Dear Soldier

Dear Soldier,

I don’t need Valentine’s Day to write you a love letter. Hallmark, hearts and cupid could never tell you how much you mean to me. Only I can do that. And while I try to show you, I thought it was time to write the words down for all the world to see. I wanted something tangible for you to hold onto even when you’re far away.

I know when we’re apart, you think of me. I know how much you miss me when you’re gone. I know you count the days till you can come back home. I want you to know that I miss you and I count the days, too. It’s not the same without you. I wish that it didn’t have to be this way. I wish you could be here where you belong — with your family and me. It’s hard not having you here, knowing that you’re somewhere else. Somewhere you don’t want to be; somewhere dangerous and lonely. I know you have a job to do though. A job that you take very seriously. A job that helps keep me safe and that allows you to keep evil from winning. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

I hear the pride in your voice every time you say my name. I see the love in your eyes when you talk about me and in those moments I know you would do anything for me. Even in my hardest times and darkest hours, you always believe in me. You say you look at me and see greatness and strength. What you don’t understand is that I have you to thank for those things. I hope you realize I can show the rest of the world my strength simply because you share yours with me. I would not be who I am if I was not loved by you. I look at you and see honor and loyalty. As much as your heart belongs to me I hope you know that my heart belongs to you, too. You are the face of courage, bravery and commitment that I want the rest of the world to see. To me, you are the definition of hero and I’m so very proud to call you mine. Every day, I am honored and humbled by you. I know that I owe you more than I’ll ever be able to repay.

Others may look at you and see just a soldier, an ordinary man. But I look at you and I know how lucky I am to be loved by you. Until you come home where you belong, I’ll be waiting and counting the days. Afterall, isn’t that what you do when you love someone as much as I love you?
Love,
America

Dear Grocery Store Cashier

Dear Grocery Store Cashier,

Excuse me but I know you.

I know you don’t recognize me and I really didn’t think you would. That’s OK.  Trust me, who I am isn’t as important as what I need to say to you.

I see you often and I’ve wanted to talk to you for some time but I wasn’t sure that you would listen. I’m still not sure but I have to try. You don’t have to say anything. Just listen. It might be easier that way because this is going to hurt. A lot. But these are things you need to hear.

I know he hits you. No, don’t look away and shake your head. Just listen. I’m not judging you. I promise. I’m trying to help. I know you hold your breath when he walks in the door. I know you try harder to be good or do better. But being better doesn’t change things. Some days, you’re even afraid to speak. You give excuses, reasons and alibis. You take fault and carry the blame because he has you believing that somehow you make him do it. You don’t.

I know he says he’s sorry and maybe  he is. But being sorry doesn’t stop him from doing it again and again. I know he said the last time was the last time but it wasn’t. And every time, he’ll leave behind bruises and tears. Nightmares and fears. He’ll take more  and more of who you are and then one day you’ll realize you don’t even know the girl in the mirror.

I know why you stay. Leaving’s too hard. You don’t even know where to start. You have no one to help you. How do you untangle his life from yours? Where will you find the strength? I promise you one thing, when you finally leave, you’ll realize the hard part wasn’t the leaving. It was the staying. When you finally go, you’ll find leaving is easier than you ever imagined.

Love doesn’t hurt. Not like this. Love doesn’t call hateful names. Love doesn’t break things. It doesn’t cheat. It doesn’t leave bruises, black eyes, or bloody lips. It doesn’t crack ribs or require a trip to the emergency room. Love doesn’t rape. Love doesn’t make you believe you’re going to die. Love doesn’t work that way. That’s not love. You won’t fully understand until real love comes along but rest assured someday it will.

I know you say that you aren’t a battered wife. You hate the stereotype and the sympathy that comes with it. I understand but before you can change the facts you have to accept them.. You ARE a battered wife. But here’s what’s really important. You’re a battered wife but you’re also a survivor. You have it in you to get out of this. You have the strength to walk away. You don’t have to live this way. You are going to be judged by people  if you leave. Leave anyway. Those same people are judging you now because you stay. One day you’ll realize, It doesn’t matter what they say. There’s a freedom that comes with not caring.

I can’t promise you that it will be simple but I can promise you that you have the strength to move on and change your life. You can do it and when you finally do, you’ll wonder why you waited so long. It is going to be okay. It really, really is but it’s up to you to make sure it is. It may be hard to believe now but some day, this will all be a bad memory. You’ll leave it in the past. There is an amazing man waiting for you and he will show you what love really is.

I told you who I am isn’t as important as what I needed to say to you. I realize now that I was wrong. Who I am is as important as what I had to say. Look again, I should look familiar now. You see, I used to be hit too.

Signed,

The Woman You Become Years Down the Road

(October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This letter is what I would say to 21 year old me. I know it’s a topic that some people aren’t comfortable talking about but avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. I know I might be judged for sharing this but I felt it needed to be done. This is real, true and it is my story. My nightmare ended when I left. Millions of people are still living their nightmare but they don’t have to be. That’s what I’m hoping to show. There is another life out there.)

Dear 18 Year Old You

Dear 18 Year Old You,

Welcome to the real world. It is far more amazing, beautiful and breathtaking than you can imagine. It also will break your heart, make you cry and cause you to question everything that you know. It will challenge you, stretch you and force you to grow. If it’s easy, you aren’t doing it right. It’s going to be hard and while I do not know what waits for you up ahead, I do have advice for the journey.

1. Get dirty. Nobody’s ever done hard work while wearing white jeans and worrying about staying clean. The best stories and greatest rewards come when you have mud on your shoes and dirt on your hands.

2. Forget the thought that you’ve learned a lot. Believe me, the real lessons are just now about to begin. There is no studying, no preparing and every day is a test. It’s OK though, you’ll do fine. And when you don’t, well, even that helps make you who you are supposed to be.

3.  Let the world break your heart. Seriously. Look around you and see the sadness, hurt and pain. Feel it so deeply that it moves you to tears and your heart breaks. Then get up and get busy doing something to change it. Don’t ever think you can’t make a difference. I promise you, you ARE the difference.

4. Embrace adversity. It is, after all, the only thing that builds strength, endurance and resilience.

5.  Know the gift of believing in someone completely. Even when they disappoint you and even when they disappoint themselves ESPECIALLY then. No gift is harder to give and more desperately needed than unfaltering belief.

6. Twenty years from now, that prom dress will not be cool. I promise. It’s beautiful now and well worth the price but it’s coolness won’t last.  Hard to believe but down the road, you’ll agree with me. It’s ok, wear it. One day you’ll laugh at your prom dress exactly like I laugh at mine.

7.  Glow. Shine. Sparkle. Let the world see your light. The world may not deserve it but it desperately needs to see it.

No matter what happens, know that you are never alone. I’m so excited to see where your journey goes. I believe in you completely. I love you. Not because I have to but because I want to. I know you are going to change the world. After all, you’ve changed mine.

Happy Birthday to the only girl who can make me laugh till I cry.

Love,

Thirty-Eight Year Old Me

Dear Army Wife

Dear Army Wife,

Tomorrow is a big day. You’ll walk through your home one more time. You’ll stand in the bedroom and remember late night talks, good night kisses and hidden Christmas presents. In the kitchen, you’ll remember laughter, sunshine, bowls of brownie batter, and the smell of taco dinners. You’ll remember monkeys in the bathtub and wet footprints on the floor. Your eyes will automatically go to the spot where the Christmas tree always stood. Maybe you’ll close your eyes and try to hear the crinkle of wrapping paper and squeals of delight. You’ll look out the back door one more time, a last attempt to perfectly memorize the view. You’ll open the closet door and pretend to make sure it’s really empty. You’ll really just be trying to remember the winter coats that used to hang there. Your heart will hurt with an ache you call homesickness even though you are still standing in your house. Then holding your head high, you will walk out the front door one last time. Yes, tomorrow is a big day for you for that’s when your new adventure starts.

Today is a big day for me. Today I will hug you one last time before you go. I’ll struggle to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me over the last two years. I’ll wonder if you realize that you were a friendly face in a very lonely place for me. I’ll remember the conversations, the honesty and the laughter we’ve shared. I’ll remember how I watched your daughter and your pregnant belly grow. I’ll look at your face to perfectly memorize the smile of my friend. My thoughts will go to lunch dates, FRG meetings and long afternoon talks. I’ll wonder how to thank you for helping me be less homesick and adapt to life far from home. I’ll realize that I can’t. All I can really do is hope that in some way, I’ve helped do those things for you as well. My heart will hurt with an ache called goodbye even though we won’t actually say those words. Yes, today is a big day for me for it’s the first time I have to watch another Army Wife leave.

Know that you have been a great friend to me. Know that I’ve appreciated your help. Know that you have made being here so much better. But most importantly, please know that you truly made a difference to me.

I don’t know when I’ll see you again. Who knows where our paths will cross? I do know though that I will follow your example. I will be to someone else, the same kind of friend you have been to me. I will brighten someone else’s life simply by including them in mine. After all, isn’t that really how we all take care of each other? Thank you for that lesson. I will carry it on. In that way, your fingerprints will remain regardless of how long it takes to see you again.

Now get going. Your next adventure is waiting for you.

Another Army Wife

Letter to the Family Dog

Dear Memphis,

It’s quiet again now. No running feet, no slamming doors. The water gun fights have stopped and there are no more “after lunch” soccer matches in the backyard.  There is no one around to blame for the gassy smells. There are no more lazy mornings watching TV while they pat your head. There is no more sleeping in, no more staying up late.

The alarm clock once again rings far too early. Doors are slammed. Grumbles replace actual words. Showers are rushed and leave steam on the mirrors and wet towels on the floor. In a flurry of sneakers, backpacks and lunch money, our household comes alive.

You sit there watching. Waiting. Head down, eyes looking up. You wonder who will remember you. Who will sneak you a piece of cereal or their last bite of toast? You follow them around. Looking for even a quick pat or a reason to wag your tail. Most mornings their feet fly around you and they never stop just to notice you. The hugs happen less and less. I know that hurts the most. I know because their hugs come less and less for me, too. Then as quickly as the activity started, it’s done. With the shutting of the front door and the hiss of the school bus brakes, our hours of quiet begin again.

Your eyes now turn to me. I know that I don’t measure up. I could throw the ball for you but I know mine aren’t the feet you long to chase. Mine isn’t the voice that you are listening for. And while my smile makes your tail wag, I know it is their smiles that bring you the most joy. I scratch your head realizing that watching them grow up is also hard on you.

I haven’t told you this because I don’t know how but soon they will be grown and they will leave. They will come to visit but life for us will never be the same. All we can do is enjoy this time. Right here, right now. Let them blame you for smells that they make. Follow them around when they come home from school. Don’t give up trying to make them understand that you’re happy with their leftovers but you’re starving for their affection. Chase the ball, pull the rope, fetch the frisbee. Run after them. Don’t just sit back and watch them go. When all your work pays off and they stop and slip their arms around you, enjoy it. Enjoy those hugs just as I’m trying to do. Memorize the feel of their arms around your neck so you can relive them on the days they are gone. When all we have left is each other and the memories of when they were younger. That’s really all we can do.

Love,

The woman who shares the silence and sadness with you

Letter to An Adopted Girl

Letter to An Adopted Girl

***Originally posted on my jennpineo.wordpress blog on 6/26/12 and can be viewed by clicking title above.***

Today’s letter is to a little girl who was lucky enough to recently be adopted with her brother. I don’t know her or her family. I’ve never met them. This letter is simply what I wish someone would have said to me when I was a foster child.

Dear Sweet Girl,

I do not know your name or your story but I still know you. I know that you probably remember things that you wish you could forget. I know you’ve wondered if love is real. I know you’ve longed for normal and wondered if you would ever find home. I know you’ve wondered if forever really does exist. I know that you are afraid of the dark, the bogeyman, being forgotten or going back.

Even though I don’t know you, I’m writing you because there are things that I need you to know. Things that will change everything. Magic exists. It really, really does. Believe in it and you will find. Doubt it and you will never see it. You will have people tell you that it’s not real. Let them believe what they want but don’t let them decide what you believe. Normal exists but it’s different for everyone so don’t use someone else’s normal. Find your own. Home is not house. It’s not a roof, a carpet and an oversized tub. It’s the place where you know love and you can sleep with the understanding that you are truly safe. You have that now. It’s found in your Daddy’s arms and your Mommy’s smile. It’s the warmth that reaches your toes when your Daddy picks you up and carries you to bed. It’s the softness in your Mommy’s eyes when she kisses you good night.

You already know that boogeymen are real. You know monsters aren’t just in books. You know there’s a lot to fear in the dark. I won’t tell you that you’re wrong. because you aren’t. But there’s something else I want you to remember and this is even more important. Good queens and knights in shiny armor are real, too. Close your eyes halfway and can’t you see the crown on your mommy’s head? Now look at your Daddy. Everyone else sees an Army uniform but keep your eyes closed halfway and look again. Don’t you see his armor now? They’ll help you fight the monsters and boogeymen. The quickest way to do it is simply to be happy. In the end, good will win. It’s too strong not to.

Love is real and it is big enough to last forever. It doesn’t fade when you forget to brush your hair, clean your room or use your manners. It doesn’t stop when you spill your milk, break a window or get mud on your new dress. You don’t have to earn it. It’s yours and your parents have more for you than you can ever dream. You’ll never run low because they’ll never run out.

The last thing I want you to know is that it really is going to be ok. You’ll grow, you’ll shine, you’ll stretch and you’ll succeed. You’ll discover that you’re beautiful and then you’ll realize everyone else knew it all along. You’re going to be just fine. As a matter of fact, you’re going to be perfect because you are finally loved completely.

Now get growing. Amazing things are waiting for you.

Signed,

A woman who knew monsters and boogeymen, too

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer

***Originally posted on my jennpineo.wordpress blog on 6/3/12 and can be viewed by clicking title above.***

Dear Cancer,

A thousand times I’ve tried to imagine your face. Mouth hard and eyes like coal. Cold, unblinking, angry. Lacking warmth, kindness or guilt. Your teeth are not fangs like one would first believe. Rather they are blunt, dull and nubby. You make it hurt more that way, don’t you? Your cheeks are sunken and your skin as pale as death. I’m pretty sure in spite of your ugliness, your face is not remarkable or worthy of remembering. It’s what you do that makes you unforgettable not the face you wear.

You think your victims’ tired bodies are weak. You believe by stealing their energy, their dignity, their hair and their peace, you can make them yours. You believe making their eyes sunken, faces swollen and skin pale will turn them into you. You are foolishly mistaken. Those faces are not the faces of cancer. They are not like yours and they will never belong to you. They are the faces of the ones brave enough to fight you. Looking at it that way, I do believe they are the strong ones. Wouldn’t you agree?

I know you have left your teeth marks on many. Scarring people simply for the sake of saying you were there. Changing their bodies, taking away who they were. But you’re looking at the wrong thing. Stop focusing on the scars you left for a moment and look at their attitude about those scars. What you didn’t expect is that they’ll use that scar to show the world that they were strong enough to spit in your face. What you didn’t expect is that instead of generating fear those scars plant the seed of hope. For if one can beat you, why can’t more?

You’ll point out the grieving family, the funeral and the tears. You’ll show them to me and tell me that you won that one. You believe there’s one less fighter in the battle because of you. And at first look, it would appear that you are right but I know better. You’ll turn to go then, claiming it as another victory for you. But I’ll watch for a moment more, knowing I’ll find exactly what I’m looking for. There she is, the thin woman in a black sleeveless dress. Do you see her? Just a moment and she’ll turn around. There now, look at her closely. You’re smiling because she is no threat to you. She has no PhD and no millions to donate for research. But you haven’t looked closely enough. Look in her eyes and you will see it. There you go. Where’s your smile now? You see it, don’t you? She loathes you. She knows, it’s not just the sick ones that can fight you. It’s the healthy ones who can spit in your face, too. By taking someone she loves, you’ve made sure she’s vowed to do just that. You think you are taking fighters out of the battle but by doing so others are stepping up to take over the fight. So you see, you will not win.

You anticipated everything except stubbornness, faith, loyalty, the human spirit and love. Oh yes, you most certainly underestimated love. In the end, that will be your downfall and oh, what a wonderful day that will be.

A Woman in A Black Sleeveless Dress