Dear America,
I know you’ve probably seen me lately; at the soccer game sitting alone, at the DMV registering the truck that he’s supposed to drive, at the grocery store buying hot sauce and snacks to send overseas, at the post office attempting to send Christmas across the ocean in a priority box with “Fragile” written across the top. You might have watched me run to the mailbox and go through every envelope before I even walk back inside. You’ve seen me pull out my cell phone because I swear I heard it ring…..even when no one else heard a thing. You’ve seen the tears in the commissary when I realize that there is no one to complain about having cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving but I suddenly don’t want it anymore. Maybe you’ve seen the blueish glow coming from my darkened living room at 5am, the tell-tale sign that I’m Skyping with a country 15 hours and half a world away. Maybe it’s my afternoon yawns that let you know having a queen size bed to myself does not guarantee good sleep. You’ve heard me say his name even when I don’t need because that’s how I keep him with me. I hug his pillow, sleep with his shirt and have his picture by my bed. I miss him and yet those words do not even begin to touch the emptiness in my heart.
You might ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. I’ll tell you that I’m cooking dinner. I’ll say we’re staying home and doing a quiet day. We’ll watch the parade, look at the Black Friday ads and put on a movie. You might offer me a spot at your table. Extending an offer to let me share your turkey, desserts and laughter. As much as I appreciate your offer, I won’t go. I don’t know how to tell you that it’s at home that I feel closer to him. It’s at home that I can take his call even if it is in the middle of dinner. It’s at home that I can play his favorite movie. It’s at home that I can hang his coat on the back of a chair and set a place for a man who won’t be able to join us. It’s at home that he’ll imagine us when he pictures our Thanksgiving Day and so that’s really where I want to be.
When you see me alone at the soccer game, tear-eyed in the grocery store, arms full at the post office or checking my cell phone once again, understand that what I’ll really be doing is just trying to put away the day. Crossing another number off the calendar and getting a little bit closer to him. What I’ll really be doing is dreaming about a homecoming that is months away. What I’m really doing is counting the days, holding my breath and waiting. So please understand if sometimes I just want to be at home.
An Army Wife
Letters From A Military Wife 
We are 6 months into our deployment. I completely understand what you are going through and feel the same way. I was up at 2 A.M. Friday talking with my husband while trying not to wake family trying to sleep beside me. 🙂
As always your words touch me deeply and bring the same tear to my eye. My son deploys soon. He will miss Christmas with his pregnant wife and the birth of his child, as many other will and have. Your letters do help thank you. Army Mom.
Beautiful Jenn! I know it’s not the same, but as a police officer’s wife, I experience many of the same things (but not to the extent, of course). I too am at events: tae kwon do promotions, Christmas Eve dinners, soccer games (with the baby on my hip), functions at work for “families”… Although he comes home each night, we’ve gone weeks without crossing “awake” paths. I lie awake every night until 12:22, when he pulls into the driveway, and finally drift off into sleep knowing he’s home and home safely. When I wake at 4:30, I watch him sleep and scratch his back, giggling when he rolls over so I can scratch his sides (knowing he never remembers me doing this). I know it’s not the same, but each time I start to feel lonely or frustrated with being a “single mom” most of the time, I know he’s doing work that I personally could never do (and most people couldn’t). He too is keeping me safe while I sleep, much like your adoring husband.
I hope you don’t mind the comparison, I know it’s not the same, but I still feel and share in the pride and adoration for a husband who’s making sacrifices of his families’ time to keep other families safe during theirs. I pray for his safety, avoid the news, and I too check my phone as I swear I heard it ring at least 10 times a day.
Love and miss you!!!!
-Allison
Thank you for posting this. I’m a new Air National Guard wife but have been through 10 plus deployments together. This letter rings true for each holiday, birthday & just everyday life he’s ever missed out on. I do feel like I hold my breath until he’s in my arms again.